The Tortise and the Canine
by E.R. Burke
Summary: A oneshot about little Guy and little Kakashi. What were things REALLY like in the "good old days"?


The Tortise and the Canine

Today one looks upon the face a Might Guy and sees a man. A man who runs around in a green spandex jumpsuit. A man that never shuts up about "youth". A man who has shiny teeth, a bowl haircut, and a lot of pride in himself. Might Guy was not always like that.

In fact, at the age of about twelve, Guy was a complete and total dork.

He had tried to cut his own hair to make it cool, thereby giving him a jump on his rival. Unfortunately, the only hair-do he could manage without the assistance of his mother was the bowl-cut. Needless to say, this look was not "in", and made him look like even more of a fool.

Oh, but that wasn't even the half of it. You are aware of Guy's shiny teeth, are you not? Those are the product of ten long years wearing braces. And, seeing as he never got a say in his own dental work, they were the ugliest shade of yellow-green one can get before their eyes melt out of their head.

It still gets worse. Those braces made it so very impossible for him to correctly form speech. He had an annoyingly high-pitched voice that occasionally cracked. Oh, and that wasn't nearly as bad as his other problem. For all his life, Might Guy had spoken with a horrible, awful, unignorable lisp. Every time he tried to make an "s", he would send saliva all over.

None of this was helped by the fact he had chosen Kakashi Hatake, of all people, to be his rival. Kakashi was the heartthrob of every girl his age, and a few that weren't his age. How could pitiful, dorky, lisping Guy ever stand up to competition like that?

If you were to ask Guy that very question, only in slightly politer form... maybe not if you happened to be one of the many bullies that continually plagued him. Anyhow, if you asked him that, he would look at you quite odd. Then, he would claim something along the lines of "I am not dork! Kakassthshi's the dork! And, I do NOT have a lissssthp!". If you didn't catch that because of the lisping, the first odd word you came across was intended to be "Kakashi" and the second was "lisp".

There were, believe it or not, some days when Guy got the foolish courage to stand up to Kakashi.

Normally, this sort of thing turned out as a mistake. Guy would go home publicly embarrassed, thoroughly bruised, and vowing that he would make Kakashi pay.

One bright and promising summer day Guy was skipping youthfully through the local park. Is there a park in Konoha? Of course there is! You just don't see it outside of one or two episodes because most of the time evil squirrels are attacking people in said park. To all those fallen from the vile torture of the sqirrels, I say I am sorry.

Back to the point, Guy was skipping youthfully through the park. Oh, but what reason could he possibly have to be so darned happy on a day like that? Well, I'll tell you why. Guy had recently returned from the pet shop, having gleefully purchased his own turtle. He held the very, very tiny amphibian in his hands as he went through the park

"I'm going to name you Ninkame! I can ssssthay Ninkame without lisssthping! That way, nobody with make fun of me!"

"Oh no, not you again." Guy stopped dead in his tracks, coming face-to-face with Kakashi. The spiky-headed boy was leisurely sitting on a bench reading a book clearly not meant to be read by kids his age. And next to him sat a horrible, gigantic, drooling, monstrous, dog. It looked kind of like a Doberman Pincher. Guy wouldn't have known. He was a little preoccupied.

"Holy Sssssthsshit."

"What do you want now Guy?"  
Guy shook his head and snapped out of his daze. "Kakassshthi, my turtle challenges your dog to a battle!"

"I don't really think that's a good idea Guy."

"What's wrong Kakassssshthi!? Are you too chicken!?" The boy instantaneously took to making chicken noises, dancing around with the poor frightened turtle still trapped in his hands.

After a while, the Hatake boy sighed and frowned. "Very well Guy." A piercing whistle came forth and the snarling, growling, drooling dog approached Guy and his turtle.

Guy set his new pet on the ground. "Go get him Ninkame!"

Now, I want you to try to imagine this. On one stepping stone on the park walkway there is a turtle scarcely bigger than the palm of a pre-teen. Looming as a dark shadow over what the dog first mistook for a moving pebble, was Kakashi's dog. Hot drool poured out of the mammal's mouth, washing up against the tiny turtle. Ninkame pulled into his shell, trying to hide from the huge furry creature that was sniffing him so curiously.

There was only a few possibilities as to what that dog could have been thinking. 'What the hell is this thing!?' 'Why did that little twit with the white hair make me fight with this fish cabob.' 'Is it edible?'

Well to satisfy the curiosity of that last question, the dog chomped down and swallowed Ninkame whole.

"NOOOOOO!! Ninkame!!!!" The mortified Guy dropped to his knees and began to weep in the way you would think to see on a cheap soap opera. "WHY NINKAME, WHY!?"

Kakashi, still annoyed that he had participated in this stupidity at all, began to leave. That was when he noticed something out of the ordinary.

His dog was coughing madly, and if you didn't think it was possible you haven't been watching enough anime, but the animal's face had turned red, then very pale, and then a very icy shade of blue. Without a whole lot of warning, the dog dropped to the pavement and was out like a light.

Kakashi sat next to his canine companion in shock. Out from the mouth of the goliath crawled Ninkame, covered in dog spit and probably thinking something along the lines of 'I really hate this kid'.

Guy, uncaring towards the slop his pet was covered in, scooped up the little amphibian and started dancing around. "In your face Kakasssshthi!!! I win I win I win I win!!! Ninkame totally pwned your sssthtipid dog!"

Guy danced off into the sunset with Ninkame, leaving Kakashi to wonder why the hell he agreed to letting Guy be his rival to begin with.


End file.
